12 October 2008

Dave Barry 2008

I have long suspected that Dave Barry is one of the smartest people alive - this is a man who managed to sell a book whose cover featured a picture of him sitting on a toilet - and now my good buddy StumbleUpon has provided me with a little evidence. The list is "Twenty-Five Things It Took Me over Fifty Years to Learn" but for the sake of brevity and because I don't like a few of them I'm going to pick my favorites to share.
From my old buddy Dave:
-The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
-You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
-You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
-They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
-There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
-At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
The universe is even bigger than they thought!
There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
-The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
-A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

I remember a while back - was it 2000? There was a sort of fake campaign for Dave Barry for president of the United States. I think we need to bring that back. America needs a strong fake leader now more than ever, and I think that fake leader is Dave Barry.

Of course, I am really, really tired, and I've just eaten a Hershey bar, a Swiss cake roll, and about sixty SweeTarts. So I could be completely wrong.

No comments: