30 August 2009


Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts for me.

It marked one year since my father had a massive stroke.

One year ago yesterday morning, he was driving me to the bank. One year ago yesterday afternoon, he would never drive me to the bank again.

He didn't die right away - he lived for another 11 days, first in the neuro ICU at St. Joseph's, then at a hospice in Mesa. But in my mind, he died on the 29th. That was the last day that he was himself. The last day that he was awake.

Yesterday I looked at the clock at 3:45, at 4:30, at 6:15, at 7:20. I could remember clearly what I had been doing a year ago at each time: balancing my checkbook, talking to my mother in hushed tones about what we should do for my dad's headache, calling an ambulance, sitting in the ER at Gilbert Mercy waiting for news.

My mother was waiting for news. I think part of me already knew what the news was. I knew when the paramedics called out his blood pressure - 60 over 40 - that he was gone.

Knowing didn't make it any easier on Monday morning when a doctor, one of my dad's neuro-oncologist's lackeys, told us my dad wasn't going to wake up or recover. Nothing in the world could have made it easier, because they were talking about my father, and telling me he was gone.

I miss him every day.


patrice stanford said...

Sorry, but it doesn't ever go away. I still miss grandpa...and think of him every day. Your dad was a great father, husband, friend, grandfather and a good man. What a blessing for you to have his as your guardian angel.

patrice stanford said...


Bec said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and know how much you will always miss your dad. I hope you can still feel him near you. I love you, Jill

Dana G said...

patsy is right. keep all your good memories close to your heart. I miss him, too. He was so fun and funny. A great loss to our family.